Thursday, January 19, 2012
back to dieting
Its been almost a week and its gotten to the easy point, more water. No sugar.no alcohol. Id gained 10 pounds back of.the 30 I lost.I was down on myself so I fed the pain. I'm still not yo yhr.workout phase. I know from the past that as the weight comes off the energy comes in
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Ashamed, embarrassed, defeated, depressed - take 2 what weight wieghs
Today the scale read just over 169. I feel like crying.
The weight started coming back within a couple months of my "stopping" my exchange diet.
I'd hit 159 and I was over the moon. I looked good. I felt good. I knew how to eat and I was active! Drinking my water. Watching my starches, fats, portions. I was making good food choices, avoiding alcohol excess and ignoring sugar.
But I felt good - and I felt like giving in to those food cravings as a reward.
Alcohol, even one glass would loosed my will power. I deserved to snack! I deserved another drink. I was relaxing! Then sugar showed up - in candy bars, jaw breakers, licorice, cookies, mixed drinks. Snack driven evenings - watching tv and being influenced by every food ad, every glass lifted to an actor's mouth, every illicit draw on a joint.
As the weight came back I pretended it was just the everyday ups and downs - until the tummy bulge came back. Even without gaining alot of weight... It hurt to lean over - the fat in my middle was bunching up over my jeans and under my bra. So the new bras I bought a month back now hurt and that put me back into my "sports bras" which are much more like a compression bra because they flatten me without flattering. No longer feeling feminine and cute,I crave nighttime so I can go without a bra. And eat. And eat. And eat. I escaped back into a world where I had blinders on, where i could still say "I lost 30 lbs!" and ignore that I gained back 10.
10 is 1/3 of what I'd work so hard to loose. A stone - a bag of potatoes - a loss of posture and grace and energy. Pounds that can either push me back into pity eating and indulging - or - pounds that can be seen as a sign - a big red stop sign.
I wanted to loose more than 30 and I stopped and reversed. When I started loosing - it was a whim. It became harder as time when on and my body hung on to EVERY pound. And now, I have to start over AGAIN. Not a whim this time. But not an encouraging path either.
I feel horrid. And I have another factor stopping me from turning this around. Maybe 2.
First there is Ben who is back wanting all the treats and meals he did not get when I WAS on the exchange diet. He got fit too. But now he is fighting my choices. He started with the "just relax and enjoy yourself" to "I want cookies, candy, chips, treats, hamburgers, pizza." He says "I am depressed when I'm on a diet - obsessed" And yet - I feel more obsessed and depressed NOW when i have all but abandoned my healthy habits. And I feel I have to HIDE my diet or he will start in again about how I don't NEED to do it and that if only... this... or if only ... that... topped off with a big "i love you the way you are. You've always been a big girl." wtf
I have to put what he says to one side. I DON'T LOVE THE WAY I AM NOW.
The other factor - halloween - candy candy candy.
It was the candy that took me from just under 165 a week ago to just under 170 today.
My exchange note book is back in my hands.
I am now listing my WEIGHT in the morning.
I added a place to track exercise. (min 30 min a day)
I am drinking my water and TRYING to avoid alcohol.
I know if I smoke at night, I'm going to WANT to snack - so if I can't stop snacking - I have to stop that too.
It feels like I'm being punished by having to work to loose what I lost before.
I hope after the first 5 lbs I can relax
The weight started coming back within a couple months of my "stopping" my exchange diet.
I'd hit 159 and I was over the moon. I looked good. I felt good. I knew how to eat and I was active! Drinking my water. Watching my starches, fats, portions. I was making good food choices, avoiding alcohol excess and ignoring sugar.
But I felt good - and I felt like giving in to those food cravings as a reward.
Alcohol, even one glass would loosed my will power. I deserved to snack! I deserved another drink. I was relaxing! Then sugar showed up - in candy bars, jaw breakers, licorice, cookies, mixed drinks. Snack driven evenings - watching tv and being influenced by every food ad, every glass lifted to an actor's mouth, every illicit draw on a joint.
As the weight came back I pretended it was just the everyday ups and downs - until the tummy bulge came back. Even without gaining alot of weight... It hurt to lean over - the fat in my middle was bunching up over my jeans and under my bra. So the new bras I bought a month back now hurt and that put me back into my "sports bras" which are much more like a compression bra because they flatten me without flattering. No longer feeling feminine and cute,I crave nighttime so I can go without a bra. And eat. And eat. And eat. I escaped back into a world where I had blinders on, where i could still say "I lost 30 lbs!" and ignore that I gained back 10.
10 is 1/3 of what I'd work so hard to loose. A stone - a bag of potatoes - a loss of posture and grace and energy. Pounds that can either push me back into pity eating and indulging - or - pounds that can be seen as a sign - a big red stop sign.
I wanted to loose more than 30 and I stopped and reversed. When I started loosing - it was a whim. It became harder as time when on and my body hung on to EVERY pound. And now, I have to start over AGAIN. Not a whim this time. But not an encouraging path either.
I feel horrid. And I have another factor stopping me from turning this around. Maybe 2.
First there is Ben who is back wanting all the treats and meals he did not get when I WAS on the exchange diet. He got fit too. But now he is fighting my choices. He started with the "just relax and enjoy yourself" to "I want cookies, candy, chips, treats, hamburgers, pizza." He says "I am depressed when I'm on a diet - obsessed" And yet - I feel more obsessed and depressed NOW when i have all but abandoned my healthy habits. And I feel I have to HIDE my diet or he will start in again about how I don't NEED to do it and that if only... this... or if only ... that... topped off with a big "i love you the way you are. You've always been a big girl." wtf
I have to put what he says to one side. I DON'T LOVE THE WAY I AM NOW.
The other factor - halloween - candy candy candy.
It was the candy that took me from just under 165 a week ago to just under 170 today.
My exchange note book is back in my hands.
I am now listing my WEIGHT in the morning.
I added a place to track exercise. (min 30 min a day)
I am drinking my water and TRYING to avoid alcohol.
I know if I smoke at night, I'm going to WANT to snack - so if I can't stop snacking - I have to stop that too.
It feels like I'm being punished by having to work to loose what I lost before.
I hope after the first 5 lbs I can relax
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Again
I told myself I could hold my new wiegh. I did. But the shape of me went from fit to flab. I feel lumpy and like I want to feed my angst. I told myself if the scale tipped past 160 I had to back on the exchange diet.
Day one.
It sucks.
I know I've got weeks before I'll see results.
Weeks.
Bummer
Day one.
It sucks.
I know I've got weeks before I'll see results.
Weeks.
Bummer
Monday, June 13, 2011
Rebound pounds? Nope.
It's been a month since I stopped counting my "points" and I haven't gained.
I'm comfortable where I am. I'm nowhere near what I "thought" my goal would be. Instead I stopped at a point where I felt good about myself! It dovetailed into an adjustment of my bp meds. A month ago I needed a bump up and when I felt relaxed in my mind I relaxed my expectations.
So I'm not counting but I'm on track. Watching what I ate so closely I internalized healthy eating. I now drink achohol at night (not to excess) and I eat more carbs, more fat, and more protein - but I drink water and I avoid sugar. Every time I eat I still see it as points that I might not count but consider. An extra helping of rice, ok, cheese why not? Pizza, a piece or two. Cake at a party? Oh yells yeah. But candy is not my friend. Neither is full fat ice cream or even whole milk. I chose lean meats over fatty ones - or I have less of the fatty ones. I snack on veggies first, then fruit- oh I really want salty carbs but I watch my portions. I put the pretzels in a small bowl and don't eat out of the bag. I dont eat potato chips but I had French fries yesterday. I hadn't had them in months, but I won't eat them often.
A month with no gain tells me I can hold at what ever wieght I want to be. The fear of losing a bunch of wieght only to gain it back is gone.
I know now, if I want to lose more, I can. I would just need to go back to tracking my points. And if I begin to gain, I know I can fall back to tracking points. It's my go-to back up. It works and it taught me what that pesky food pyramid looks like in real world eating. If it's good for you, eat it. If it does nothing for your body, avoid it or eat it in moderation.
I'm comfortable where I am. I'm nowhere near what I "thought" my goal would be. Instead I stopped at a point where I felt good about myself! It dovetailed into an adjustment of my bp meds. A month ago I needed a bump up and when I felt relaxed in my mind I relaxed my expectations.
So I'm not counting but I'm on track. Watching what I ate so closely I internalized healthy eating. I now drink achohol at night (not to excess) and I eat more carbs, more fat, and more protein - but I drink water and I avoid sugar. Every time I eat I still see it as points that I might not count but consider. An extra helping of rice, ok, cheese why not? Pizza, a piece or two. Cake at a party? Oh yells yeah. But candy is not my friend. Neither is full fat ice cream or even whole milk. I chose lean meats over fatty ones - or I have less of the fatty ones. I snack on veggies first, then fruit- oh I really want salty carbs but I watch my portions. I put the pretzels in a small bowl and don't eat out of the bag. I dont eat potato chips but I had French fries yesterday. I hadn't had them in months, but I won't eat them often.
A month with no gain tells me I can hold at what ever wieght I want to be. The fear of losing a bunch of wieght only to gain it back is gone.
I know now, if I want to lose more, I can. I would just need to go back to tracking my points. And if I begin to gain, I know I can fall back to tracking points. It's my go-to back up. It works and it taught me what that pesky food pyramid looks like in real world eating. If it's good for you, eat it. If it does nothing for your body, avoid it or eat it in moderation.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Whining
I was on track yesterday but I added 2 glasses of wine at night, which added some crackers. All in all, just ok. Mood last night, mood for past 2 weeks - depressed.
I went in for a check up with my medicating psych doc - med strengths going up. Adding more wellbutrin. Added an extra anxiety med as needed. I'll be sleepy for next week as these settle in. Just like I plan on keeping my weight where it is (or less) I also plan on keeping my bipolar at bay. The goal is to be healthy AND happy.
Food Journal May 26, 2011
weight 157 - mood (still working on it)
8:30 coffee with lowfat milk
9:30 2 eggwhites over 1 slice low calorie bread, coffee
11:00 water
12:30 water, salad (mixed green,celery,peaches, chopped smoked turkey, olive oil and raspberry vinegar) salt/ground pepper.
planning on going to taste of canton for dinner munching - so saving up carbs for that. fats too.
I went in for a check up with my medicating psych doc - med strengths going up. Adding more wellbutrin. Added an extra anxiety med as needed. I'll be sleepy for next week as these settle in. Just like I plan on keeping my weight where it is (or less) I also plan on keeping my bipolar at bay. The goal is to be healthy AND happy.
Food Journal May 26, 2011
weight 157 - mood (still working on it)
8:30 coffee with lowfat milk
9:30 2 eggwhites over 1 slice low calorie bread, coffee
11:00 water
12:30 water, salad (mixed green,celery,peaches, chopped smoked turkey, olive oil and raspberry vinegar) salt/ground pepper.
planning on going to taste of canton for dinner munching - so saving up carbs for that. fats too.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
One day at a time
Following yesterday's post, I am going to journal today.
I'm starting out not expecting to lose wieght. Looking back at my food journals I can see EXACTLY why I am holding steady. I stay on track all day long, then in the evenings I fall back into my old habits of induluging. I give in to wine, pretzels, low-fat ice cream treats, a zillion sugar free popcicles, and any candy in the house. This overeating "looks" like I'm still dieting. The choices aren't bad. Most fall into my points if I've saved some.
It's my emotional state behind the night eating that's the issue.
Food is the friend who's always there for me.
Food is the connection when with friends.
Food journal 5/24/11:
Woke up late (10:45) Wieght 159
11:00-11:30. 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup kashi go lean, medium banana, 1 cup non-fat milk, 16 oz water
2:00 water, light style wheat bread, procuitto (1oz)
4:00 coffee w low fat soy milk
6:00 pineapple, water
7:30 chicken kabobs w mushrooms,onion,pepper. Ear of corn (no butter), water
I'm starting out not expecting to lose wieght. Looking back at my food journals I can see EXACTLY why I am holding steady. I stay on track all day long, then in the evenings I fall back into my old habits of induluging. I give in to wine, pretzels, low-fat ice cream treats, a zillion sugar free popcicles, and any candy in the house. This overeating "looks" like I'm still dieting. The choices aren't bad. Most fall into my points if I've saved some.
It's my emotional state behind the night eating that's the issue.
Food is the friend who's always there for me.
Food is the connection when with friends.
Food journal 5/24/11:
Woke up late (10:45) Wieght 159
11:00-11:30. 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup kashi go lean, medium banana, 1 cup non-fat milk, 16 oz water
2:00 water, light style wheat bread, procuitto (1oz)
4:00 coffee w low fat soy milk
6:00 pineapple, water
7:30 chicken kabobs w mushrooms,onion,pepper. Ear of corn (no butter), water
Monday, May 23, 2011
Recipes for losing weight
I was asked yesterday for some of the recipes I've been using to lose weight. . I create my recipes based on what I've already eaten during the day, I choose a lean meat and pair it with abundant veggies, and no more than a teaspoon of oil per person. I add fruit, and a starch. The combos are really just what ben and I like.
Tonight we had Skewers of beef and onions and peppers paired with an ear of corn and a salad of greens, grapefruit, mint, green onions, with a dressing of raspberry vinegar and sesame oil - topped with black pepper and red pepper flakes.
Last night we made a cajun chicken stew. I sauté onions, garlic, red peppers on med till soft. Add in cajun spice ( we used chille pepper and cumin, etc) then a can of roasted diced tomato, and a can of undrained black eye peas. Stir then add in diced raw chicken breasts. ( we do 3 small 1/2 breasts for 2 servings.) cook covered on low till chicken is done. Serve with rice or slices of bread.
Another favorite is to slice a large onion, red pepper, green pepper, thin... Sauté on high heat (use 2 teasp oil) then add in thin sliced steak along with quite a bit of pepper and salt. You can eat this fajita style in a tortilla, or over rice, or over salad greens. We also make this with chicken.
If we can't come up with an idea- we enter ingredients into google!
I adjust the amount of fat/oil- keep meat lean- watch the carbs - bump up the veggies.
Another note:
I'm maintaining now, not working to loose. Im working on accepting myself as I am.
Tonight we had Skewers of beef and onions and peppers paired with an ear of corn and a salad of greens, grapefruit, mint, green onions, with a dressing of raspberry vinegar and sesame oil - topped with black pepper and red pepper flakes.
Last night we made a cajun chicken stew. I sauté onions, garlic, red peppers on med till soft. Add in cajun spice ( we used chille pepper and cumin, etc) then a can of roasted diced tomato, and a can of undrained black eye peas. Stir then add in diced raw chicken breasts. ( we do 3 small 1/2 breasts for 2 servings.) cook covered on low till chicken is done. Serve with rice or slices of bread.
Another favorite is to slice a large onion, red pepper, green pepper, thin... Sauté on high heat (use 2 teasp oil) then add in thin sliced steak along with quite a bit of pepper and salt. You can eat this fajita style in a tortilla, or over rice, or over salad greens. We also make this with chicken.
If we can't come up with an idea- we enter ingredients into google!
I adjust the amount of fat/oil- keep meat lean- watch the carbs - bump up the veggies.
Another note:
I'm maintaining now, not working to loose. Im working on accepting myself as I am.
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