And the winner is...

Me.

I saw my doctor today - 2 months to the day after she told me I HAD to loose weight and get my cholesterol and glucose in line.  By her records, I lost 12 pounds (but I know I gained muscle too!) and my glucose is back in NORMAL range and my Triglyceride count came down by 200 points. I will be going up on my dose of cholesterol medication, and will continue to lose weight and get healthy. I go back to see her in 3 months. My goal is to be at least 15 pounds lighter and to have an even better level on my blood work.

I CAN do this.

Napping

This morning I weighed in at 173.5. This is lower than I've been in years and I am so hopeful I can continue to loose weight. My first goal is 167lbs by May 13. My doctor weighs me in on that day and my stats get checked. I am thinking I can do this!

Yes, not drinking, smoking and then eating empty calories is playing a huge role, but I added NAPS to my routine. I am wondering if they are a key here. I have napped quite a bit in the past few days. When I feel like stuffing my face in the afternoon, I've realized it's because I am TIRED and need to recharge. So instead of snacking - I'm napping. 2 hours past 2 days each - and the first day I napped I slept for 8 hours then went to bed for the night. I was that exhausted.

Maybe my body needed a reset?

When I nap in the afternoon, I am not exhausted at night.
Not being exhausted at night I don't feel the need to drink, smoke, and over eat.
I have the ENERGY to see my bad patterns and avoid them.
I have don't feel the need to zone out.

Focusing

I let myself do more heavy work and eat whatever. And I gained weight. I did not gain much, a couple pounds, but the feeling that I was doing OK was false. I can't eat whatever and be healthy. It needs to be a balance between eating right and moving my body.

My downfall is obvious to me and admitting it feels like I am snitching on myself. Still, this blog is about being PUBLIC with my process - so here goes.

When I drink alcohol - I eat whatever I want.
When I smoke pot - I eat whatever I want.
When I let Ben decide what we eat - I end up eating fast food, cheese, breads, candy, cake, ice cream, pizza, etc etc. And he loves to feed me. He loves to watch me eat. He actually lies about how much he's eaten to get me to eat more.
And Ben loves me to smoke pot in the evenings - because it is the only thing that calms me when I am anxious and fidgety. And when stoned, he can put as much food in front of me as he wants, and though I say no - I end up eating it.

I've been watching closely and when I drink, I keep drinking. Not a lot, but enough to pile up the calories. And when I smoke, I keep smoking until it's bed time. Hours of smoking a little at time to stay up, happy and calm. And I eat and eat and eat. I enjoy the taste so much and the main focus was anything sugary. And I have high blood sugar. I need to eat moderate amounts of sugar not handful after handful.

I threw away all the candy in the house including the bowl it was in.
I bought myself an assortment of diet sodas for when I need something sweet.
I'm avoiding the carrot cake Ben made.
I'm avoiding alcohol and pot.

Interestingly enough, my favorite thing to watch when indulging in my vices is Intervention. It's almost as if I am joining them in their addictions but with the knowledge that I'm not addicted. Twisted logic, I know, and not healthy at all.

Heavy Gardening

I've been moving patio flagstones and creating planting beds and walk ways, etc. I've been at it for days now - more than a week. I dream what big thing I'm going to do the next day. I am bone tired. I am sweating every day. I'm not weighing myself. I'm not watching everything I eat. With THIS much work I need more calories for energy.

I'll jump on the scale when I am done and ready to go back to Wii. For now - this feels like quite a bit of calories burned.

I stopped counting and lost

It's only 2 pounds, but to see the scale move was encouraging. I'd stopped counting calories. I eaten what I wanted and drank a bit, but I also worked on my yard and patio. Hauling huge stones and digging seems to be good for me.

I want to be under 170 lbs by May 13, the day my doctor weighs me.

This won't happen if I continue my night time zone outs. Two nights in a row I've gone back to leaving the planet. In the moment, it feels so good - but after an hour or two I've got a bowl of something and I'm feeding that dark place inside me that is afraid I can't loose weight and wants to keep me from being disappointed. I am my own worst enemy.

At least I am not ignoring this. It would be so easy to ignore, to just "not" admit it.

the long flat plateau

This is disturbing. I am doing the same eating, and working out and yet - nothing. No movement of the scale except for up or down a pound for almost 2 weeks. I can tell, this is where I always lost focus in the past. It seems so hopeless, like this is just the weight I am supposed to be at. I've looked at my charts. In the past 10 years - I start at 186 then get down to 176 and then slowly back up to 186. At least I know now I can STAY at 176 if I keep doing what I'm doing.

But that is not good enough. I need to get my body to the lower end of OVERWEIGHT at least. I may have come in under OBESE, but not by much. It feels hopeless but I am not going to give up.

Off track

I need to get myself back on track. And yet being off track feels so good.

My husband has started cooking for us. He even went shopping with me, which he never does. Because it was a treat to have him with me, I let him buy cake mix and frosting and alcohol and all manner of treats. He made me promise I'll eat (and drink) them with him. I know, I know - he does not want me thin. "I" don't want me thin - I just want me healthy - and perhaps 2 sizes smaller.

We drank bloody mary's and watched episode after episode of HOUSE from the afternoon well into the night. We were draped over furniture in the living room with the dogs crashed around us. We fried up bacon, smashed avocados, moved on to beer. I snacked my way through 5 hours and now I am off track.

I was there last night again.
I long to be back there again tonight.
I need to get off one track to get back on another.