And the winner is...

Me.

I saw my doctor today - 2 months to the day after she told me I HAD to loose weight and get my cholesterol and glucose in line.  By her records, I lost 12 pounds (but I know I gained muscle too!) and my glucose is back in NORMAL range and my Triglyceride count came down by 200 points. I will be going up on my dose of cholesterol medication, and will continue to lose weight and get healthy. I go back to see her in 3 months. My goal is to be at least 15 pounds lighter and to have an even better level on my blood work.

I CAN do this.

Napping

This morning I weighed in at 173.5. This is lower than I've been in years and I am so hopeful I can continue to loose weight. My first goal is 167lbs by May 13. My doctor weighs me in on that day and my stats get checked. I am thinking I can do this!

Yes, not drinking, smoking and then eating empty calories is playing a huge role, but I added NAPS to my routine. I am wondering if they are a key here. I have napped quite a bit in the past few days. When I feel like stuffing my face in the afternoon, I've realized it's because I am TIRED and need to recharge. So instead of snacking - I'm napping. 2 hours past 2 days each - and the first day I napped I slept for 8 hours then went to bed for the night. I was that exhausted.

Maybe my body needed a reset?

When I nap in the afternoon, I am not exhausted at night.
Not being exhausted at night I don't feel the need to drink, smoke, and over eat.
I have the ENERGY to see my bad patterns and avoid them.
I have don't feel the need to zone out.

Focusing

I let myself do more heavy work and eat whatever. And I gained weight. I did not gain much, a couple pounds, but the feeling that I was doing OK was false. I can't eat whatever and be healthy. It needs to be a balance between eating right and moving my body.

My downfall is obvious to me and admitting it feels like I am snitching on myself. Still, this blog is about being PUBLIC with my process - so here goes.

When I drink alcohol - I eat whatever I want.
When I smoke pot - I eat whatever I want.
When I let Ben decide what we eat - I end up eating fast food, cheese, breads, candy, cake, ice cream, pizza, etc etc. And he loves to feed me. He loves to watch me eat. He actually lies about how much he's eaten to get me to eat more.
And Ben loves me to smoke pot in the evenings - because it is the only thing that calms me when I am anxious and fidgety. And when stoned, he can put as much food in front of me as he wants, and though I say no - I end up eating it.

I've been watching closely and when I drink, I keep drinking. Not a lot, but enough to pile up the calories. And when I smoke, I keep smoking until it's bed time. Hours of smoking a little at time to stay up, happy and calm. And I eat and eat and eat. I enjoy the taste so much and the main focus was anything sugary. And I have high blood sugar. I need to eat moderate amounts of sugar not handful after handful.

I threw away all the candy in the house including the bowl it was in.
I bought myself an assortment of diet sodas for when I need something sweet.
I'm avoiding the carrot cake Ben made.
I'm avoiding alcohol and pot.

Interestingly enough, my favorite thing to watch when indulging in my vices is Intervention. It's almost as if I am joining them in their addictions but with the knowledge that I'm not addicted. Twisted logic, I know, and not healthy at all.

Heavy Gardening

I've been moving patio flagstones and creating planting beds and walk ways, etc. I've been at it for days now - more than a week. I dream what big thing I'm going to do the next day. I am bone tired. I am sweating every day. I'm not weighing myself. I'm not watching everything I eat. With THIS much work I need more calories for energy.

I'll jump on the scale when I am done and ready to go back to Wii. For now - this feels like quite a bit of calories burned.

I stopped counting and lost

It's only 2 pounds, but to see the scale move was encouraging. I'd stopped counting calories. I eaten what I wanted and drank a bit, but I also worked on my yard and patio. Hauling huge stones and digging seems to be good for me.

I want to be under 170 lbs by May 13, the day my doctor weighs me.

This won't happen if I continue my night time zone outs. Two nights in a row I've gone back to leaving the planet. In the moment, it feels so good - but after an hour or two I've got a bowl of something and I'm feeding that dark place inside me that is afraid I can't loose weight and wants to keep me from being disappointed. I am my own worst enemy.

At least I am not ignoring this. It would be so easy to ignore, to just "not" admit it.

the long flat plateau

This is disturbing. I am doing the same eating, and working out and yet - nothing. No movement of the scale except for up or down a pound for almost 2 weeks. I can tell, this is where I always lost focus in the past. It seems so hopeless, like this is just the weight I am supposed to be at. I've looked at my charts. In the past 10 years - I start at 186 then get down to 176 and then slowly back up to 186. At least I know now I can STAY at 176 if I keep doing what I'm doing.

But that is not good enough. I need to get my body to the lower end of OVERWEIGHT at least. I may have come in under OBESE, but not by much. It feels hopeless but I am not going to give up.

Off track

I need to get myself back on track. And yet being off track feels so good.

My husband has started cooking for us. He even went shopping with me, which he never does. Because it was a treat to have him with me, I let him buy cake mix and frosting and alcohol and all manner of treats. He made me promise I'll eat (and drink) them with him. I know, I know - he does not want me thin. "I" don't want me thin - I just want me healthy - and perhaps 2 sizes smaller.

We drank bloody mary's and watched episode after episode of HOUSE from the afternoon well into the night. We were draped over furniture in the living room with the dogs crashed around us. We fried up bacon, smashed avocados, moved on to beer. I snacked my way through 5 hours and now I am off track.

I was there last night again.
I long to be back there again tonight.
I need to get off one track to get back on another.

When stress comes knocking

I've not eaten poorly today, but being locked for the 2nd full day working through our taxes has left me completely drained. It's not like I want to eat a cake, but I did take a beer when offered and I am not really feeling up to working out, though that might change after dinner.

I am not completely stressed - just enough to make me want a day off from everything.

We owe significant tax and estimated tax and we spent too much last year. We'll have to borrow more from home equity and THAT stresses me. Being self employed and working from our home office is both a blessing and a curse. It's difficult to plan when you don't know what money/projects will come along. It's all a matter of trust. We trust work will come at about the same rate as last year.

I am NOT going to beat myself up over this. I am not going to pig out on junk food and stop working out. I AM going to let myself off the hook for now and get back on the workout tomorrow.

Walking

At 186 lbs - I did not want to walk. It felt like a chore and trudged along feeling the extra weight in my legs and back. At 176 lbs I dream of walking more. I have been putting on my headphones and listening audible books and I GO for at least an hour at 3mph until I weave my way back home. I don't walk the same path every day, I just wing it through the neighborhood, roughly planning how far I can go and get back in an hour. Too soon and I circle a bit more, too late and I get just that many more calories burned.

I walk after dinner. The sun is still up, but not for long. Many times I walk through sunset and come home just after darkness. As the days march into Summer, I'll likely take my walk later and later.

Listening to a book is a treat. I get caught up and my pace stays steady. I find this pattern of walking is something I always fall into every time I work to get in shape. I love it so much, why do I end up stopping? Is it when I stop losing weight? Or is it when I've started gaining again? Or something completely different?

I know - I need to add back in Wii yoga and the cardio - but for now, my walks are precious.

blip blip blip

I watch the scales like a hawk. They went down bit by bit until a couple days ago - then BLIP. They went up 1/2 pound. Then BLIP up another 1/2 pound. And again. Today BLIP down a pound. I have to accept that weight is flexible. There are many factors at play and I can't expect the scale to go down down without also going up up.

Blip blip blip - I need to ignore the blips. I am doing great.

A day of eatting what I wanted

I was not that far off track yesterday.

I was sure I'd stepped way out of my calorie range - I took my son back to college and ate with my kids 2x. Lox and bagel for lunch. Burger for dinner. Blue cheese and Bri...
But in the end - I was not over my calories by much. Seems I'm learning to make healthy choices even in the midst of eating what I want. Low fat cream cheese. 1/2 the burger, not a whole one - and bites of brie - not the entire thing. One beer, not 2 or three. And I walked around with my kids too.

I did not binge. I did not overeat. I worried a bit I was going off track, but really - this was a sane eating day. A normal day. Once I loose the weight this is the way I could eat every day and be OK.

I binged last night

I feel embarrassment, humiliation,failure.
Underneath that I feel... Anger.

Before I started this diet I had spent almost 3 months locked in a very unhealthy pattern. I would eat reasonably well all day, but not exercise, and at the end of the day I would have a drink and/or get stoned and eat. I would do this after I'd had dinner. I would buy candy and sunflower seeds and frozen treats. I would stock up on chips and pretzels and chocolate. I was not hungry. But I would spend all day thinking about how I was going to get to "veg" out at night. I call it "leaving the planet." That 3 month binge started just after my last attempt to loose weight. That time too, my husband joined in to "lose weight with me!" And he lost so much weight, so fast and he was so proud of himself. Every day he would push me to get on the Wii, get on the Wii, but when I would get on the Wii there was his character on there , all skinny next to my OBESE character. It was depressing. And it certainly raised my glucose levels.

I did not admit this to my doctor. I told her I "over eat" I "eat the wrong things" I am depressed. While those things are certainly TRUE they were a way of avoiding the issue. Somehow I keep it to myself because I thought I would be able to control it. I still feel I can control it, but I think I have to get control other things that trigger the binges.

Long before I discovered how wonderfully pot took my depression, anxiety, and headaches away, I was spending my evenings much the same way, but with alcohol giving me the "OK" to binge. It was about quantity. A huge bowl of buttered popcorn - an entire bag of potato chips with dip - ice cream, cereal straight out of the box. Those days I would stuff my stomach so full it was aching.

Smoking pot instead of having a drink at night changed the pattern. It made me calm and happy, not more depressed - but like the alcohol it gave me "permission" to binge. When high - I found myself still drawn to quantity of food, but more along the lines of "I want to know if I like the taste of this there will be enough of it so I don't have to stop tasting it for hours." Candy - assorted flavors fit the bill nicely. I could smoke - then suck one flavor after another for hours. Immobile except for getting up from my comfy chair for more of whatever.

"Leaving the planet" is not just what I wanted every night (still want) but my husband finds it a relief for me to be calmly enjoying myself while he plays with his friends online late into the night. I have aggravated depression. When my normal meds aren't enough I have anxiety meds. But I hate to take them. I prefer to get stoned. I'm assuming it has something to do with one giving in to my need to binge while the other just makes me sleepy.

My husband tosses me foods at night he knows I should not be eating. Until last night - I'd been able to just not eat the sleeve of Oreos or the candy, or the chips. Sometimes I sip the drink he might make up for me, but not drink all of it. Last night he tossed me a second bag of chips (I'd eaten the first) and proceeded to lecture me on how I had it in my mind I was going to get to the point where I had a flat stomach and a tight body, but how that was not going to happen. He said, "this is who you are and who you've always been. Just eat! I love you just as you are now."

Wait, I'll never reach my goal?
Is he sure because he's psychic or because he's going to keep tossing food in my path?

Yesterday, he'd spent the day telling me how much more weight he'd lost than me - and in less time. He'd done it while drinking beer and eating whatever. He'd shown me how tight his stomach is getting. He'd promised he would not do these things this time, but he is. I have to accept it. This is who HE'S always been- my enabler. A part of him is much more comfortable with me getting stoned, or drinking at night and then eating and eating and eating. I stay overweight. And no matter what size or shape he is, he is always in better shape than me. "Its just how women are built! It's just your body type! It's in your genes!"

No - it's not.

In comparison

My husband is 33 to my 55. He was overweight too and he seemed to be able to lose it just by THINKING it off. Last time he did this - I got so frustrated at how easy it was for HIM that I stopped the diet and exercise and gained.

He's been watching my progress in the past 2 weeks (down 7.5 lbs) and he started on his own weight loss about a week ago. Today he came in to the office all proud and wanted me to feel his flat stomach. Seems he's lost as much in one week as I did in two. And he drank beer. And he ate. His exercise is drumming and it seems to melt the pounds off him.

I am trying VERY hard not to let this get me this time.

Note to self: EAT TIMELY

I had work do to today and I took my coffee to my desk and started in- and forgot breakfast. At 11:30 my body went nuts. I was shaky and starving. I made what I would have had for breakfast + almonds + bananas. I made myself eat it. Back at work I realized it was 3 and I had forgotten lunch. Again I was feeling shaky and starving. I added extra ham to the sandwich and a slice of cheese. Because of the slip in the time I have eaten - dinner is cooking and I am again starving.

I let work take control of my time when I should let my needs take the lead.

Yes, I have deadlines and yes, sometimes like today they feel out of my control - but my health should NEVER be out of my control. Breakfast, Lunch, Snack, Dinner. I need them all at regular times to be able to keep on top of my weight loss, otherwise my body thinks I am starving.

I also found myself much quicker to anger today. I attribute it to not having enough "fuel" and thus feeling not nurtured. When I feel an afront, I react in kind - when I am stressed. Not having enough food in my system is stressful.

I did not have a "bad" day today. I am not in a serious depression - my focus to get healthy is still firmly in place and I am still glowing from the last 2 awesome days. But I must eat to maintain this. And I must eat on time.

55 today!

I would have thought turning 55 would be depressing, but I had one of the best days EVER today! It started with me climbing on my scale and seeing I lost more weight. I am now 176.5. Considering I was 185 2 weeks ago, that is awesome.

I left my self quite a bit of wiggle room for dinner. I planned out what I was going to order - my favorite dish, marinated skirt steak. I had some of EVERYTHING on my plate, with a margarita (a treat) and dessert! And still - I came in RIGHT ON my calorie count for the day. I might go for a short walk tonight - just to take the total down a bit in case I am off. It was all delicious and I loved it!

I have to say - this has been an amazing experience so far. I am not approaching this "diet" like any other time I needed to lose weight. Because I am seeing this as a POSITIVE change in my life - it is affecting my moods in kind. I am markedly less depressed! I can't remember the last time I had 2 REALLY happy days in a row!

Knowing what I am going to eat and when is making a huge difference. Planning for it takes the cravings away. I don't feel deprived. I don't feel hungry. I feel full and satisfied both in the physical and mental state. I am accepting myself for who I am. I am not seeing myself as someone who has to be overweight due to "genes" or "age" or anything. I am not overweight because of some mystical outside force. I am overweight because I ate to feel happy. I ate to feel nurtured. I ate to feel busy. I ate because I was already too fat in my image of myself to be able to loose it. So much easier to hold on to it than to let it go and risk feeling unhappy, unloved, unmotivated. But the truth is, by eating healthy, counting calories and exercising - I am finding I am able to love myself.

One day at a time

Today was fabulous.

I was able to up my calories without loosing focus. I ate a delicious dinner without guilt. I was able to tally up my calories, see what I needed to do to bring them down to target and took a brisk 45 min walk with my new headphones and a great book on tape.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I'll be 55. I am not going to feel bad this year that I am not slim and fit. I am going to feel great that I am working my way toward health!

Starting off on the wrong foot

I'm new to this "I'm going to lose weight!" thing.
My doctor said - "eat less, exercise more!" and that's what I did.

But it seems there is a cut off on how much "less" to eat balanced against the exercise. I had cut my calories so low I was basically on a starvation diet. I didn't feel like I was starving. I felt excited that the scale was MOVING. My husband did research and came to me today with a new plan. I NEED to eat 1200 calories a day - and more to cover whatever I work off. If I do my usual 6o min Wii, I need to eat 180 MORE calories. This seems counter productive, but he swears it makes sense. If I eat too few calories my body will hold on to ALL the fat and eat my muscles.

I really thought I had hit on a great solution to get the pounds off, but now it's time to focus on staying healthy while getting the pounds off - and keeping them off.

I ate about about a third more food for dinner than I have been eating. I am sitting her with a sore stomach. I think I need to spread out those calories more throughout the day. Maybe add protein to breakfast, a bit lighter on dinner. Such a lot of planning. It's daunting and depressing and right now I feel like drinking - but I know better. That won't make me feel better and it WON'T help me stay on track.

Today is a milestone!

I took a shower with my husband and climbed on the home scale, the one I usually avoid because I don't trust it. I was prepared to see 181. Instead I saw 178. I made him look too. Yup, 178. I got suited up for my Wii workout and it ALSO said I was 178. But the best news of all - I am no longer in the OBESE range. It's amazing what it feels like to know I worked to get out of that range and actually DID it - all within a week and half.

I ate out again today - this time at Max's opera cafe. I chose a half sandwich of rare roast beef. It came plain on rye and was DELICIOUS and only about 180 calories! I also ate some of the amazing lemon cake that my son made last night from scratch - just a bit - but it feels great to taste things and not feel I must inhale them!

I ate at Buca di Beppo for under 700 calories!

I knew I would be going there for dinner with my husband, so I did a bit of planning in advance. Seems there are healthy options linked from the buca website. Using those as a guide and allowing myself "tastes" of everything ordered, I came away full and happy.

I have been replacing alcohol with bubbly water. I ordered the salad with cheese and prosciutto bits with dressing on the side. The cheese was just little bits, which was perfect for me. I had chicken marsala and found 1/2 a breast was enough with lots of mushrooms and wine sauce. My downfall COULD have been the penne with chicken and broccoli - it was SO rich and yummy. But I only took small portions (twice) and enjoyed every bite! It was my husband's birthday, so there was cake. I ate about a third of a slice (ok maybe a half of a slice) and loved it. I'm finding it's easier when I really slow down and TASTE things. A few bites of something EXTRA yummy make the evening out complete.

How few calories is starvation mode?

I am hearing from many people that I am under eating. They say I will go into starvation mode and not loose weight. I looked it up online and found an article that backs that up.

But the article quoted an active 130 pound woman in her 30's. I would imagine she WOULD need more calories than me! I am 55. I spend a good portion of my day sitting at my computer doing work. I spend my off time sitting too, when I'm not working out with my Wii. The woman's diet of 1000 calories wasn't enough for her, but it might be enough for me.

But if I see a plateau too early - or if I start to feel I have NO energy, I'll up my calories a bit at a time to over come any starvation mode, should it occur.

I list what I eat and the exercise I do at Calorie King.com and I paraphrase it every day at my vox blog.

There will be bad days, like this one

Yesterday I ate over my calories and did not work out.

I'm sure there need to be "days off" from the constant focus but this was not a planned day off, this was a day on track until I had a drink with dinner. Once I had sake, all bets were off. I could not just eat as I should. I found myself getting self conscious and stressed. Instead of letting my husband's choice for dinner out stand, I suggested a place I like and thus, my husband and his friend were disappointed. Their disappointment at my choice led me to have a drink, then to feel responsible for food my husband ordered and could not eat (shell fish allergy) and I ate what he could not even though I knew it was not good for me. I then suggested desert since their dinner was not what they'd liked and they pressured me to join them. I devoured the lemon sorbet and while it tasted AMAZING I knew I was off track. Came home and the effects of that drink lingered. I found myself with no energy to work out. No desire to do ANYTHING more than sit in a chair, munch and watch TV.

Now today I am a bundle of nerves. I am anxious and depressed and everything seems to be going wrong. I am overreacting to everything and feeling like I am not being taken care of. I am listing. I am not able to stay on track of my to do list. But I am following my diet/exercise today and NOT having a drink. Course I can't take anxiety meds either. If I do, I slip off to "i don't care" land.

What's really eating at me?

Why are things that are easy one day so damn hard the next?

Why do I take on everything as if it's all my responsibility?

Week one

I've lost 2 pounds this week. I'd like to keep losing 2 lbs a week. When I return to my doctor in 7 weeks, I'd like to weigh 167lbs on her scale. Her scale and my Wii are off by 2 pounds. That's because the Wii takes off 2 pounds for clothing.

No matter what either scale says - I have lost 2 pounds.

To some, that may seem like nothing. To someone obese and struggling, it's huge. It means what I am doing is working. Every little drop is worth rejoicing. Rejoicing is the opposite of depression. If depression is the culprit behind the weight and the difficulty in loosing it, then any day without depression is a good day.

No more waiting

10 years ago, when I was 45, my doctor told me I had high cholesterol.

She said I needed to exercise and lose weight. I was 155lbs. I was up from the 135lbs I'd gotten down to 3 months before, and I was down from the 165lbs I'd been 3 months before that. I had no idea why my weight was bouncing, but I was convinced it was mind over matter. I did not need to eat right, I just needed to think myself thin.

I bought an exercise bike and vowed to ride it every day. Then my father was hospitalized. He died 2 months later and the bike became a place to hang the laundry.

Every 6 months I went in for blood work and every time my weight and cholesterol was higher. Every 6 months I got the same talk, the same suggestions. And every time I made the same promise, "I will lose the weight."

Off and on I would work out. Off and on I would eat right, watch calories and dream of being fit again. Off and on. Off and on.

A week ago I saw my doctor again. I was 185 lbs. My cholesterol count was high, but the glucose was the real problem. If I did nothing, my doctor said I would be diabetic.

She asked me "Why can't you eat right and exercise? Why can't you get fit? What is stopping you?" She said my answer was the same she hears from all her overweight patients.

Depression.

I am depressed because I am overweight.
I am overweight because I am depressed.
I eat what I eat, when I eat it, because I think it will make me feel better.
I don't work out because it feels hopeless.

I have a choice. I can get fit and avoid being diabetic.
I choose to escape a condition that makes me miserable.
But I'll need to learn how I got this way.