I was on track yesterday but I added 2 glasses of wine at night, which added some crackers. All in all, just ok. Mood last night, mood for past 2 weeks - depressed.
I went in for a check up with my medicating psych doc - med strengths going up. Adding more wellbutrin. Added an extra anxiety med as needed. I'll be sleepy for next week as these settle in. Just like I plan on keeping my weight where it is (or less) I also plan on keeping my bipolar at bay. The goal is to be healthy AND happy.
Food Journal May 26, 2011
weight 157 - mood (still working on it)
8:30 coffee with lowfat milk
9:30 2 eggwhites over 1 slice low calorie bread, coffee
11:00 water
12:30 water, salad (mixed green,celery,peaches, chopped smoked turkey, olive oil and raspberry vinegar) salt/ground pepper.
planning on going to taste of canton for dinner munching - so saving up carbs for that. fats too.
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
One day at a time
Following yesterday's post, I am going to journal today.
I'm starting out not expecting to lose wieght. Looking back at my food journals I can see EXACTLY why I am holding steady. I stay on track all day long, then in the evenings I fall back into my old habits of induluging. I give in to wine, pretzels, low-fat ice cream treats, a zillion sugar free popcicles, and any candy in the house. This overeating "looks" like I'm still dieting. The choices aren't bad. Most fall into my points if I've saved some.
It's my emotional state behind the night eating that's the issue.
Food is the friend who's always there for me.
Food is the connection when with friends.
Food journal 5/24/11:
Woke up late (10:45) Wieght 159
11:00-11:30. 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup kashi go lean, medium banana, 1 cup non-fat milk, 16 oz water
2:00 water, light style wheat bread, procuitto (1oz)
4:00 coffee w low fat soy milk
6:00 pineapple, water
7:30 chicken kabobs w mushrooms,onion,pepper. Ear of corn (no butter), water
I'm starting out not expecting to lose wieght. Looking back at my food journals I can see EXACTLY why I am holding steady. I stay on track all day long, then in the evenings I fall back into my old habits of induluging. I give in to wine, pretzels, low-fat ice cream treats, a zillion sugar free popcicles, and any candy in the house. This overeating "looks" like I'm still dieting. The choices aren't bad. Most fall into my points if I've saved some.
It's my emotional state behind the night eating that's the issue.
Food is the friend who's always there for me.
Food is the connection when with friends.
Food journal 5/24/11:
Woke up late (10:45) Wieght 159
11:00-11:30. 2 cups coffee, 1/2 cup kashi go lean, medium banana, 1 cup non-fat milk, 16 oz water
2:00 water, light style wheat bread, procuitto (1oz)
4:00 coffee w low fat soy milk
6:00 pineapple, water
7:30 chicken kabobs w mushrooms,onion,pepper. Ear of corn (no butter), water
Monday, May 23, 2011
Recipes for losing weight
I was asked yesterday for some of the recipes I've been using to lose weight. . I create my recipes based on what I've already eaten during the day, I choose a lean meat and pair it with abundant veggies, and no more than a teaspoon of oil per person. I add fruit, and a starch. The combos are really just what ben and I like.
Tonight we had Skewers of beef and onions and peppers paired with an ear of corn and a salad of greens, grapefruit, mint, green onions, with a dressing of raspberry vinegar and sesame oil - topped with black pepper and red pepper flakes.
Last night we made a cajun chicken stew. I sauté onions, garlic, red peppers on med till soft. Add in cajun spice ( we used chille pepper and cumin, etc) then a can of roasted diced tomato, and a can of undrained black eye peas. Stir then add in diced raw chicken breasts. ( we do 3 small 1/2 breasts for 2 servings.) cook covered on low till chicken is done. Serve with rice or slices of bread.
Another favorite is to slice a large onion, red pepper, green pepper, thin... Sauté on high heat (use 2 teasp oil) then add in thin sliced steak along with quite a bit of pepper and salt. You can eat this fajita style in a tortilla, or over rice, or over salad greens. We also make this with chicken.
If we can't come up with an idea- we enter ingredients into google!
I adjust the amount of fat/oil- keep meat lean- watch the carbs - bump up the veggies.
Another note:
I'm maintaining now, not working to loose. Im working on accepting myself as I am.
Tonight we had Skewers of beef and onions and peppers paired with an ear of corn and a salad of greens, grapefruit, mint, green onions, with a dressing of raspberry vinegar and sesame oil - topped with black pepper and red pepper flakes.
Last night we made a cajun chicken stew. I sauté onions, garlic, red peppers on med till soft. Add in cajun spice ( we used chille pepper and cumin, etc) then a can of roasted diced tomato, and a can of undrained black eye peas. Stir then add in diced raw chicken breasts. ( we do 3 small 1/2 breasts for 2 servings.) cook covered on low till chicken is done. Serve with rice or slices of bread.
Another favorite is to slice a large onion, red pepper, green pepper, thin... Sauté on high heat (use 2 teasp oil) then add in thin sliced steak along with quite a bit of pepper and salt. You can eat this fajita style in a tortilla, or over rice, or over salad greens. We also make this with chicken.
If we can't come up with an idea- we enter ingredients into google!
I adjust the amount of fat/oil- keep meat lean- watch the carbs - bump up the veggies.
Another note:
I'm maintaining now, not working to loose. Im working on accepting myself as I am.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Adjusting perception, not waistline
Had a fabulous talk with my nutritionist yesterday. I came in with food logs that showed I was not eating exactly as I've been told. I drank wine almost every day and sometimes a beer. I ate more starches and more fat and more protein. And yet... I feel great. I feel amazing at the place I am now. I am not where I said I would go. And well, so what?
Finally, I like the body I'm in now!
It's not the size I was going for, but it's at least 2 sizes under what I was. I have a waist! I see myself in the mirror and I SMILE! This me is a good me. Yes, I'm going to keep up my logs and watch what I eat. Yes, if I stay at least "close" to my plan I'll keep loosing. It won't be obvious. And thats just fine.
I've learned to think about my food choices. I'm not going to eat sugary foods, much. I'm not going to eat foods high in fat, much. What I am going to do is gauge my activity level against my food. Active = more food. More food= more active. As long as I am more active than what I eat, my weight will go down. If it's equal, I'll stay at the weight I am.
Drepession for me is a big factor in how I eat, so I'll always need to pay attention to that. And if I start feeling like I'm fat (when I'm not) I need to come back and read this.
If I don't loose another ounce, I'm perfect just the way I am.
Finally, I like the body I'm in now!
It's not the size I was going for, but it's at least 2 sizes under what I was. I have a waist! I see myself in the mirror and I SMILE! This me is a good me. Yes, I'm going to keep up my logs and watch what I eat. Yes, if I stay at least "close" to my plan I'll keep loosing. It won't be obvious. And thats just fine.
I've learned to think about my food choices. I'm not going to eat sugary foods, much. I'm not going to eat foods high in fat, much. What I am going to do is gauge my activity level against my food. Active = more food. More food= more active. As long as I am more active than what I eat, my weight will go down. If it's equal, I'll stay at the weight I am.
Drepession for me is a big factor in how I eat, so I'll always need to pay attention to that. And if I start feeling like I'm fat (when I'm not) I need to come back and read this.
If I don't loose another ounce, I'm perfect just the way I am.
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Off
Ben says some days I let dieting define me. I get upset over things that I should ignore.
Yeah. Today is one of those days.
I'm down. Could be my mind. I'm bi polar, so I can't always trust my emotions. But I do know when it's a good day to stop judging my personal progress against.......
Cheers.
Yeah. Today is one of those days.
I'm down. Could be my mind. I'm bi polar, so I can't always trust my emotions. But I do know when it's a good day to stop judging my personal progress against.......
Cheers.
Monday, May 2, 2011
What's on your driver's license?
If you were to get on a scale while looking at your driver's license, would the actual number be 10, 20, 30 pounds higher? Go on, look. Mine currently says I weight 165. That's the weight I put down when I moved to Ohio. What did I actually weigh then? Probably more like 180, but within 4 months I weighed in at 195. Did I rush out to change the weight on the license? No. Did I even think the number on the license was a lie? No.
They make sure we can see without corrective lenses, but there is no scale at the DMV (BMV here in Ohio.) We are left to our own to list our height, eye color, hair color, and weight. Let's see... mine says I am 5'6" (I'm 5'4" - just measured) my hair is red (my hair is brown) and my eyes are hazel (sounds so much better than gray). Did I lie? No. How close is your license description to the current "you?"
We list what we want to believe on our licenses. If I'm taller, I can weigh more on the "chart" - I dye my hair, so it's shade of reddish most of the time - I always wanted my eyes to be green, but at some point hazel seemed a compromise between the gray they are and the green I wished they were. And 165? It's the weight I "guessed" at the time.
Weight is a weird thing to all of us.
At any time we can step on a scale, or a different scale and get a different amount. When our weight is up, we say "this scale is heavy." When our weight is down, we say "I've been working on my weight." Both are bullshit and we know it. Our bodies change weight throughout the day. There is no ONE weight for us, thus we get to guess. And when we guess, we guess lower. Sometimes by a LOT lower.
The amount we guess is kind of a "magic" number for us. It's the weight, at that moment, we believe we should weigh "if." If we we walked, if we worked out, if we didn't have to cook for the family, if we weren't so stressed - so busy, if we drank more water, if things weren't so sad, if things weren't so wonderful. It's by no means a lie. Each of us REALLY believe we should weigh our "magic" number and believe in our hearts it's easily within reach. So, we say it's true. Because it "could" be true. Because we want it to be true. Because we can feel ok about ourselves when that number is true.
It could be true.
I believed until recently that this is the FIRST time I every tried to diet. That belief was likely born out of the realization that this is the first time I am an active participant and not a hopeful bystander. It is certainly the first time I ever made the effort to write down what I eat, and the first time I have ever been honest about what I eat - and how little I exercise. Really, I do water aerobics 2x a week. That's it. Some weeks I walk, or work out a bit, or count housekeeping, gardening, manic behavior as "working out." But this is not the first time, I've thought "I need to loose weight" or "I am loosing weight " or "if I gain 5 more pounds I will be fat and my world will crash around me " and then I focus on the scale for a few weeks until the thought goes away. This is the first time I combined thought and action to make my magic number true.
Of course our license "magic" number is not our REAL "magic" number. Take off 10,20,30 pounds from that. For me, my magic number is 135. It was the weight of my 20's and was the most consistent weight until I had kids.
And that's why dieting is so hard. We have 3 numbers in our heads, the weight on the scale, the weight we feel we could be "if," and the number we wish we could be but can't allow ourselves to believe is possible. It's a long way down. And when we reach the number on our license, it's just where we should be in our minds. Where's the success in that? If the reward is not worth the effort, we just keep believing it will happen on it's own.
I used to tell myself (and anyone who would listen) that I could control my weight through "positive thinking." All I had to do was believe I weighed less and I would! This believe did in fact come true for me on a number of occasions, but the more likely scenario is that used the times it seemed to be true to trick myself into thinking I never needed to watch my weight. Case in point: When the kids were 5 and 8 I was around 155 lbs (my license said 135 lbs) and I was unhappy. I was "mom stuck at home while husband has a life" lonely. I found I could go online and play in chat rooms as who ever I wanted. I recreated the version of me from when I was 19 (I was 41.) Online I was "me" but I was 19 with short hair (mine was longish) and I weighed 125. My online self (Tink) was flirty and funny and soon gathered quite a bit of attention. I met my husband, Ben (who really was 19). I imagined myself in the life I could have with him. I imagined me young and thin and unencumbered with all my "ifs." In three months my weight plummeted from 155 to 125. I had become my character and I was a woman in turmoil.was Life as I knew it collapsed in on me and I came out of it living the life I imagined with Ben - and gained a new world of "ifs." 19 year olds love fast food. In 3 years I gained it all back and then some.
I had one more weight plummet just before Ben and I got married.
When checking in for a surgery, I was shocked that my perceived weight of 145 (what was on my license) was actually 163. Shock set in as did my worry that marrying him might not be my best choice. (it was and has been for the past 12 years) My thinking I might be better off on a different path led me back to imagining myself as that 19 year old again and my weight dropped from 163 to 135. I was running and not drinking alcohol and being ACTIVE (ie manic). I hurt my knee running (I had a bad knee to start with) and I went from active to inactive. When we got married 3 months later 135 climbed right back up to 160. (I kept 145 on my new license)
That was the first time my doctor said I needed to loose weight. It was 12 years ago. Since then my weight has been on a steady incline. Every 6 months I'd see my doctor and I'd be heavier. Every time she'd ask me "do you need a nutritionist?" I'd say "no, I know how to eat right!" ( I didn't) She suggested weight watchers which freaked me out. Certainly I was not one of THOSE women! (I was) Every step of the way my husband told me he loved me "just the way I was." (and was, and was, and was)
12 years of yoga tapes, running shoes, swim fins, workout videos, stationary bike, roller blades, water aerobics, walking walking walking and all I did was get heavier. 12 years of up with a little down along the way until I hit 195. I weighed less than that pregnant and thought I was heavy THEN. How did I get there?
I got there through the magic of misdirection. I got there because I believed that at any moment my body would slim down the the weight I believed I "was." 135, 145, 165... I believed the solution was to just imagine myself thinner. I believed if I just worked out more those pounds I put on would fall off again. At the end, I just believed maybe that was the "weight I was meant to be."
Even having my doctor tell me he believed I would DIE in the next 5 years if I did not change my eating habits did not change my belief that my weight would eventually take care of itself.
What changed me was a TV show called "Heavy."
I watched in fascination as people MUCH MUCH heavier than me admitted they had a problem they could not face alone. They put themselves in the hands of trainers and nutritionists. They were held accountable to those people. They learned what it means to eat healthy. They learned that to loose weight they had to want it. They had to REALLY want it. I watched as each would cry and complain and slowly loose. Over the course of 6 months most lost 100lbs. The last few months they had to keep loosing on their own - making the right food choices - moving their bodies.
It clicked in my head. If they could do it, I could do it. That click for me happened in January after I got hurt skiing. I was in pain and could not walk well. I was stuck doing nothing all day. I got my phone and used "lose it" to track my calories. After a month, I went to a weight control meeting. (I was the thinnest in the room) I joined anyway and began working with a nutritionist. And I've been steadily dropping pounds.
I was asked at one point, "why are you wanting to lose weight?"
At first I said "to get to a healthy weight." Then it hit me, I wanted my outside view to match my inside view. It was not a number so much as a vision of myself as I expect to see every time I look in the mirror or at a photo of myself. It's not age, I expect to see my age. I want to see the body INSIDE the one I've just been wearing until I get back to my magical weight.
I gave away all my "big" clothes. I've been told I'm gonna wish I had them when I gain it back. We give up, don't we. We assume we'll weigh more than that number on our license. Will I? Will I ever go back up? Sure I will.. up and down.. scale to scale. But I plan on the ups being no more than 5 pounds. I plan for the downs to be normal, not exceptional. I know how to eat now.
My license says 165. Today I weigh 157. When I renew it in 2013 I'm gonna weigh myself and put down what it says on that day. And what ever that number is, it will be my magic number.
They make sure we can see without corrective lenses, but there is no scale at the DMV (BMV here in Ohio.) We are left to our own to list our height, eye color, hair color, and weight. Let's see... mine says I am 5'6" (I'm 5'4" - just measured) my hair is red (my hair is brown) and my eyes are hazel (sounds so much better than gray). Did I lie? No. How close is your license description to the current "you?"
We list what we want to believe on our licenses. If I'm taller, I can weigh more on the "chart" - I dye my hair, so it's shade of reddish most of the time - I always wanted my eyes to be green, but at some point hazel seemed a compromise between the gray they are and the green I wished they were. And 165? It's the weight I "guessed" at the time.
Weight is a weird thing to all of us.
At any time we can step on a scale, or a different scale and get a different amount. When our weight is up, we say "this scale is heavy." When our weight is down, we say "I've been working on my weight." Both are bullshit and we know it. Our bodies change weight throughout the day. There is no ONE weight for us, thus we get to guess. And when we guess, we guess lower. Sometimes by a LOT lower.
The amount we guess is kind of a "magic" number for us. It's the weight, at that moment, we believe we should weigh "if." If we we walked, if we worked out, if we didn't have to cook for the family, if we weren't so stressed - so busy, if we drank more water, if things weren't so sad, if things weren't so wonderful. It's by no means a lie. Each of us REALLY believe we should weigh our "magic" number and believe in our hearts it's easily within reach. So, we say it's true. Because it "could" be true. Because we want it to be true. Because we can feel ok about ourselves when that number is true.
It could be true.
I believed until recently that this is the FIRST time I every tried to diet. That belief was likely born out of the realization that this is the first time I am an active participant and not a hopeful bystander. It is certainly the first time I ever made the effort to write down what I eat, and the first time I have ever been honest about what I eat - and how little I exercise. Really, I do water aerobics 2x a week. That's it. Some weeks I walk, or work out a bit, or count housekeeping, gardening, manic behavior as "working out." But this is not the first time, I've thought "I need to loose weight" or "I am loosing weight " or "if I gain 5 more pounds I will be fat and my world will crash around me " and then I focus on the scale for a few weeks until the thought goes away. This is the first time I combined thought and action to make my magic number true.
Of course our license "magic" number is not our REAL "magic" number. Take off 10,20,30 pounds from that. For me, my magic number is 135. It was the weight of my 20's and was the most consistent weight until I had kids.
And that's why dieting is so hard. We have 3 numbers in our heads, the weight on the scale, the weight we feel we could be "if," and the number we wish we could be but can't allow ourselves to believe is possible. It's a long way down. And when we reach the number on our license, it's just where we should be in our minds. Where's the success in that? If the reward is not worth the effort, we just keep believing it will happen on it's own.
I used to tell myself (and anyone who would listen) that I could control my weight through "positive thinking." All I had to do was believe I weighed less and I would! This believe did in fact come true for me on a number of occasions, but the more likely scenario is that used the times it seemed to be true to trick myself into thinking I never needed to watch my weight. Case in point: When the kids were 5 and 8 I was around 155 lbs (my license said 135 lbs) and I was unhappy. I was "mom stuck at home while husband has a life" lonely. I found I could go online and play in chat rooms as who ever I wanted. I recreated the version of me from when I was 19 (I was 41.) Online I was "me" but I was 19 with short hair (mine was longish) and I weighed 125. My online self (Tink) was flirty and funny and soon gathered quite a bit of attention. I met my husband, Ben (who really was 19). I imagined myself in the life I could have with him. I imagined me young and thin and unencumbered with all my "ifs." In three months my weight plummeted from 155 to 125. I had become my character and I was a woman in turmoil.was Life as I knew it collapsed in on me and I came out of it living the life I imagined with Ben - and gained a new world of "ifs." 19 year olds love fast food. In 3 years I gained it all back and then some.
I had one more weight plummet just before Ben and I got married.
When checking in for a surgery, I was shocked that my perceived weight of 145 (what was on my license) was actually 163. Shock set in as did my worry that marrying him might not be my best choice. (it was and has been for the past 12 years) My thinking I might be better off on a different path led me back to imagining myself as that 19 year old again and my weight dropped from 163 to 135. I was running and not drinking alcohol and being ACTIVE (ie manic). I hurt my knee running (I had a bad knee to start with) and I went from active to inactive. When we got married 3 months later 135 climbed right back up to 160. (I kept 145 on my new license)
That was the first time my doctor said I needed to loose weight. It was 12 years ago. Since then my weight has been on a steady incline. Every 6 months I'd see my doctor and I'd be heavier. Every time she'd ask me "do you need a nutritionist?" I'd say "no, I know how to eat right!" ( I didn't) She suggested weight watchers which freaked me out. Certainly I was not one of THOSE women! (I was) Every step of the way my husband told me he loved me "just the way I was." (and was, and was, and was)
12 years of yoga tapes, running shoes, swim fins, workout videos, stationary bike, roller blades, water aerobics, walking walking walking and all I did was get heavier. 12 years of up with a little down along the way until I hit 195. I weighed less than that pregnant and thought I was heavy THEN. How did I get there?
I got there through the magic of misdirection. I got there because I believed that at any moment my body would slim down the the weight I believed I "was." 135, 145, 165... I believed the solution was to just imagine myself thinner. I believed if I just worked out more those pounds I put on would fall off again. At the end, I just believed maybe that was the "weight I was meant to be."
Even having my doctor tell me he believed I would DIE in the next 5 years if I did not change my eating habits did not change my belief that my weight would eventually take care of itself.
What changed me was a TV show called "Heavy."
I watched in fascination as people MUCH MUCH heavier than me admitted they had a problem they could not face alone. They put themselves in the hands of trainers and nutritionists. They were held accountable to those people. They learned what it means to eat healthy. They learned that to loose weight they had to want it. They had to REALLY want it. I watched as each would cry and complain and slowly loose. Over the course of 6 months most lost 100lbs. The last few months they had to keep loosing on their own - making the right food choices - moving their bodies.
It clicked in my head. If they could do it, I could do it. That click for me happened in January after I got hurt skiing. I was in pain and could not walk well. I was stuck doing nothing all day. I got my phone and used "lose it" to track my calories. After a month, I went to a weight control meeting. (I was the thinnest in the room) I joined anyway and began working with a nutritionist. And I've been steadily dropping pounds.
I was asked at one point, "why are you wanting to lose weight?"
At first I said "to get to a healthy weight." Then it hit me, I wanted my outside view to match my inside view. It was not a number so much as a vision of myself as I expect to see every time I look in the mirror or at a photo of myself. It's not age, I expect to see my age. I want to see the body INSIDE the one I've just been wearing until I get back to my magical weight.
I gave away all my "big" clothes. I've been told I'm gonna wish I had them when I gain it back. We give up, don't we. We assume we'll weigh more than that number on our license. Will I? Will I ever go back up? Sure I will.. up and down.. scale to scale. But I plan on the ups being no more than 5 pounds. I plan for the downs to be normal, not exceptional. I know how to eat now.
My license says 165. Today I weigh 157. When I renew it in 2013 I'm gonna weigh myself and put down what it says on that day. And what ever that number is, it will be my magic number.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I scream for ice cream!
There is something fabulous about having a go to treat that fits my diet.
Non fat and sugar free soft serve with 60 flavor options. Tonight I tried espresso flavor, yum! Tonight I had it in a cup to skip the cone.
More able to determine how much in a cup. Now I can tell it really is equal to 2 milk points!
My favorite go to treat was light and fit yogurt, which, while awesome, can't beat ice cream!
Non fat and sugar free soft serve with 60 flavor options. Tonight I tried espresso flavor, yum! Tonight I had it in a cup to skip the cone.
More able to determine how much in a cup. Now I can tell it really is equal to 2 milk points!
My favorite go to treat was light and fit yogurt, which, while awesome, can't beat ice cream!
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