Ashamed, embarrassed, defeated, depressed - take 2 what weight wieghs

Today the scale read just over 169. I feel like crying.

The weight started coming back within a couple months of my "stopping" my exchange diet.
I'd hit 159 and I was over the moon. I looked good. I felt good. I knew how to eat and I was active! Drinking my water. Watching my starches, fats, portions. I was making good food choices, avoiding alcohol excess and ignoring sugar.

But I felt good - and I felt like giving in to those food cravings as a reward.
Alcohol, even one glass would loosed my will power. I deserved to snack! I deserved another drink. I was relaxing! Then sugar showed up - in candy bars, jaw breakers, licorice, cookies, mixed drinks. Snack driven evenings - watching tv and being influenced by every food ad, every glass lifted to an actor's mouth, every illicit draw on a joint.

As the weight came back I pretended it was just the everyday ups and downs - until the tummy bulge came back. Even without gaining alot of weight... It hurt to lean over - the fat in my middle was bunching up over my jeans and under my bra. So the new bras I bought a month back now hurt and that put me back into my "sports bras" which are much more like a compression bra because they flatten me without flattering. No longer feeling feminine and cute,I crave nighttime so I can go without a bra. And eat. And eat. And eat. I escaped back into a world where I had blinders on, where i could still say "I lost 30 lbs!" and ignore that I gained back 10.

10 is 1/3 of what I'd work so hard to loose. A stone - a bag of potatoes - a loss of posture and grace and energy. Pounds that can either push me back into pity eating and indulging - or - pounds that can be seen as a sign - a big red stop sign.

I wanted to loose more than 30 and I stopped and reversed. When I started loosing - it was a whim. It became harder as time when on and my body hung on to EVERY pound. And now, I have to start over AGAIN. Not a whim this time. But not an encouraging path either.


I feel horrid. And I have another factor stopping me from turning this around. Maybe 2.
First there is Ben who is back wanting all the treats and meals he did not get when I WAS on the exchange diet. He got fit too. But now he is fighting my choices. He started with the "just relax and enjoy yourself" to "I want cookies, candy, chips, treats, hamburgers, pizza." He says "I am depressed when I'm on a diet - obsessed" And yet - I feel more obsessed and depressed NOW when i have all but abandoned my healthy habits. And I feel I have to HIDE my diet or he will start in again about how I don't NEED to do it and that if only... this... or if only ... that... topped off with a big "i love you the way you are. You've always been a big girl." wtf
I have to put what he says to one side. I DON'T LOVE THE WAY I AM NOW.

The other factor - halloween - candy candy candy.
It was the candy that took me from just under 165 a week ago to just under 170 today.

My exchange note book is back in my hands.
I am now listing my WEIGHT in the morning.
I added a place to track exercise. (min 30 min a day)
I am drinking my water and TRYING to avoid alcohol.
I know if I smoke at night, I'm going to WANT to snack - so if I can't stop snacking - I have to stop that too.

It feels like I'm being punished by having to work to loose what I lost before.
I hope after the first 5 lbs I can relax