over and over

I go back and read this blog and I can see that I KNOW the problem and I have been able to address it... but I loose my grip on it and I slip. over and over.

I was without weed for over a month.
I was not binging at night.
My weight dropped to just under 179 and I celebrated by getting weed and binging.
Night after night - I have been exhausted and grumpy.

I saw myself in photos and thought "NO that is NOT me!" But it was. I seem to THINK I am smaller than I am. Over and over. Even in a mirror I see a thinner me. Photos don't lie. I am officially a heffer.

Today I weigh 184.
I threw away all the damn candy and chips. I put the weed away. I ate right and drank water and worked with Ben on a flagstone patio.

I am a heffer. But damn it I am sick of it.
Over and over - I am sick of it

5 days

In 5 days I have not had any alcohol or weed. I have eaten responsibly and am choosing lower sugar options. I have skied twice and am going downhill tomorrow. I programmed my phone app to track calories and workouts. I have not binged at night.

I am working to focus on how I am "thinking." If I am spinning, I focus. If I am listing I focus. And I am writing. I've had this "flaw" a long time and it's taken it's toll on me and every relationship I've ever had.

The depression and the weight and the health issues are all tangled up.
I have to stay calm and work on what I can, when I can.

Today I was resting in the hot tub after a long ski and I was caught up in thinking through the process I am in - my mind would not stop. So I thought about what pot does to me or alcohol. Both bring my multidimensional thinking down to a single moment. I let go and give up myself to the experience. But I am also at my most vulnerable at that point. I hide from the world because when I'm drinking or high, I don't think the same way. I see myself as stupid and it cycles right back to feeling low self esteem and the depression deepens. Binging is like busy work.

on the edge

I saw my doctor today.

I have no end organ issues, but my cholesterol is 350, I have high blood sugar, I am overweight with a serious lack of Vitamin D in my system. He agrees I have NES and a number of other "triggers" that are leading me to self medicate with food. I am depressed. That depression is at the cause of all my health issues. I eat to over full to release the anxiety. I drink and smoke to release anxiety. My over eating has brought me to this edge where I can keep going as I am, and I will die in 5 years.

If I can change - If the depression can be gotten under control, the other issues, including NES will not be needed by my psyche to cope. My weight will go down and my quality of life will go up.

If I can change. First step: new meds. A different cholesterol med, a lower dose of one anxiety med and a second to address the chemical imbalance the first is not touching. Prescription dose of Vitamin D. And time. Time to let the meds take effect. Time to let the depression that is currently controlling me become a low hum instead of a loud roar.

I can see the drop from here.
Depression says I might as well jump, since I'm going there anyway.
Hope says wait, depression should not be in charge.
Depression says, you will never be full enough to be happy.

sleepy

Seems when I start the loosing process (again and again) I start sleeping more and more. Last 2 nights I found myself asleep on the sofa by 8pm. I drag myself off to bed where I sleep till 8am or past. I don't wake rested, I wake tired. Also seems to be tied to the seasons. It's dark here by 5:30 and we eat at 6-6:30. Without the compulsion to keep me awake, I want to go numb. Perhaps both activities fulfill the same purpose? I'll need to work on setting up activities at night that challenge me. Puzzles, word games, reading.

I did not binge last night. I had breakfast, lunch, dinner. I drank coffee and water. I walked through deep snow with Ben and the dogs for 45min.

This morning my weight is 182. I weighed 188 3 weeks ago. First goal is to go under 180 by the I time see my doctor again. (2 weeks)

what goes around...comes around (NES)

My last post was 9 months and goodness knows how many pounds up and down since then. I am up- definitely up.

Met with my new Ohio doc and weighed in at just over 188. What? Yup, 188. That means when I go back to see him in a few weeks and look at my test results, well - the singer may be different but the song remains the same.

In CA I must have told my doctor once a year for 10 years how I over eat, but only at night.Her words of wisdom were always - "don't eat after dinner." Good advice, but I could not do it.

Once I got to Ohio -my weight was probably around 168, but 3 months of being home in a new place and feeling ... anxious... left me at a loss at nights. What to do to fill that time? Eat. Not just eat - but binge for HOURS until I was so full I felt sick. And yet, I would squeeze in one more cookie or a handful. Morning - I would just have coffee and not be hungry till lunch or after.

If I have alcohol at night, or pot, it's like I would go straight into the feeding frenzy. Feeling as if I "deserved" all those calories and treats, but not enjoying them. The more I ate, the more I wanted -raiding the cupboards for more and more.

Yesterday I felt so bad - I want so much NOT to continue this habit, but what if it is more than a habit? I did a search for night eating and found to my surprise, this is an eating disorder. It is right up there with rest of them. Name might not me as catchy -it's called Night Eating Syndrome (NES) and I have all of the symptoms. All.

I wrote up everything I could find on it and put it together for my doctor - then did some more searching for treatments. Um... most of them are in-patient 45 days at clinics that only deal with eating disorders. Other option, out-patient and intensive out-patient. Lots of therapy and self searching to find the causes and then working to change the behavior. I chatted online with a therapist from one of the clinics. He said my NES is NOT a choice, and that I would need therapy to learn to deal with it.

Ben and I talked and he suggested I work with him, at home. I've not been one to benefit from therapy, as I get to caught up in this and that - and it goes on and on with no resolution. I KNOW I suffer from depression and that is at the base of NES. That and low self esteem.

I doubt my friends or readers of my other blog would ever know, but I am not the confident, everything is WONDERFUL person I put forward. I feel worthless a lot. I take things personally rather than let them roll off me. The stress, depression, guilt, fear and worry build up all day until I just want to "leave the planet". That's what I called getting high and pigging out.

Ben says that a habit is formed when you do the same thing 24 times. He also says you can BREAK a habit by NOT doing it 24 times.

Last night was day one.

Tonight, will be day two.

I downhill skied with my sis today. I am tired and feeling like she is the pretty sister and she got new skis and new boots today and I am going to have to keep renting shitty skis. I am at a point where the night is dark and I am in my cosy home nest with Ben and dogs and cats. I want to chill. I want to get high, or drink, and plop in front of the TV and eat and eat. But I won't do it tonight.

Maybe that's all I really can do - is not do it tonight and hopefully I can not do it tomorrow night. This is so weird to have a name for it, but weird good.